


Can a tiger change it's stripes?

by LokiDem



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Changing Narrative, Depictions of self-harm, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Medication, Memories, Mental Health Issues, Past Relationship(s), Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Support Groups, Vanitas is really rude, implied mania, tentative friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-01-20 20:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18532219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LokiDem/pseuds/LokiDem
Summary: Vanitas isn't good with people. He has no friends to speak of and when Lea meets the short, dark haired man, at a support group, he's determined to change that.A story about the people who don't have the perfect life people expect to have by 25. Their struggles and happiness, making the best with what they have.





	1. Unwilling

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-upload of a fic from last week sometime.  
> I got PuppyGuppy to edit it for me, so many thanks to her for helping my dyslexic ass <3

“have you seen any friends this week?”

Vanitas sighed, running his hands through his hair and over his face. He was expecting this question, the support worker, Anna, asked him the same thing every week. He didn’t have the energy  in him  to lie  though , “no, I haven’t” he muttered at the floor. She knew he didn’t have anyone around him, let alone someone who’d be stupid enough to want to be his friend.

“I see. Any reason for that?” The woman asked, “You know I can’t help you unless you are willing to try and get out into the world.”

He knew she was right, she was always right, but it felt like she was asking a fish to climb a tree. An impossible  feat . 

“I don’t have anyone to hang out with.” He couldn’t look at her as he admitted it. He already felt like a freak and saying he didn’t even have friends made him feel like a failure. He was 27 for Christ sakes, not  five . But not if his handful of social skills had anything to say about it.

“Hmm” Anna hummed, tapping her pen against the note pad on her knee. Pulling Vanitas out  of  his self-pity. “If you are willing, and I do hope you are, there is a group that’s held every week for young adults who have had  _ set backs  _ to meet like - minded people and perhaps form a support base and make friends.” She gives him a pointed look before continuing. “Would you like to give it a go?”

Vanitas knows that look. It’s the stare of ‘if you don’t start cooperating with me, I’ll send you somewhere, where they’ll  _ make _  you cooperate’. He doesn't have a choice really. “Fine.” Vanitas groans. “I’ll give it a go. If it’ll get you off my back . ”

Anna’s smile could rip her face in half with how sudden and large it is, ignoring Vanitas’ remark, she continues. “Splendid. I’m sure you’ll love it.” Vanitas scowls. “Oh, don’t give me that look Vanitas, you don’t know until you try.” She digs through the pile of papers on her desk before pulling one out with a flourish. “Here we go. This has the date and all the details for the group as well as directions on how to get there. You don’t drive right?” Vanitas nods, “ G reat. It has what buses that go past the building, plus the best time to catch them so you’re not late.”

“Thanks.” He says, taking the paper being handed to him, folding it and stuffing it into his back pocket without giving it a single glance.

“If that’s all you wanted to talk about than we can end it here for the day.”

Vanitas was up and halfway out the door before  he  thought to say goodbye. He turned quickly on his heels, giving Anna a quick wave. “Same time in two weeks?” She said, smiling.

“Yeah, great.” Vanitas nods, turning to scurry down the long corridor to freedom.  His hour meetings with Anna were the worst. He dreaded them for days before, panicking because he never had any progress to give her. He truly hated the bitch and her perfect smile.

_________________________________________________________________________________

The day Vanitas had  not been looking forward to  all week was upon him. He gave the paper sitting on his coffee table a sidelong glance before snatching it up to figure out the directions. He studie d  it for a few minutes before figuring out the best route to take. Shouldn’t be too complicated, he knew the buses pretty well by now.

Glancing over at his computer screen for the time, he notes he's got just over an hour before he should leave. He decides to waste some time on  it , looking at all the people on Facebook who had their lives together , all  perfect with a tidy little bow. It pissed him off enough to slam his fist onto the table, before he sighed, shutting the computer down.

Getting up from the computer chair, he starts getting ready to leave. G rabbing his smokes, keys and wallet , putting them safely in his pockets . Remembering at the last second to stuff the page with the address into the  empty  pocket of his dark jeans.

Once the front door is locked and a cigarette is settled between his lips, he’s off. Inhaling the bitter smoke as he wanders casually down to the stop on the main street. There was no rush, he always gave himself plenty of time to slowly make his way before the bus comes.  The early evening air brushed his cheeks, the late autumn weather starting to cool as the sun began to set. Vanitas couldn’t wait for the colder weather. He’d always felt that it was better to need a coat then want to rip your own skin off because of the heat. 

The bus ride is as boring as ever, but it doesn’t take anywhere as long as he expected it to. He ends up finding the place 15 minutes before he needs to be there. Covering his face with a hand and groaning in exasperation he decides that having a smoke around the corner is the best way to kill some time. 

Leaning up against the cold brick of the old building behind him, Vanitas lights his smoke, staring at the bright flame against the twilight sky. He looks up at the rapidly dimming light of the day, watching as the final bright sliver of sun sets the clouds aflame. It reminds him of blood spilling over white sheets, soaking in and staining the pristine  pillows a morbid pink . 

Shaking the vision from his mind he pulls his coat tighter around himself, taking a deep drag of his cigarette. Flicking the butt into the darkness of the building ’ s shadow, Vanitas grabs his phone, checking the time and making his way back to the entrance. There are still a few minutes before it’s meant to start, just enough to find the room and hopefully nab a seat at the back, maybe even in a corner if he’s lucky.

Unfortunately, no one is looking down on him tonight, except maybe Satan. A groan escapes his lips as he enters the room the meeting is listed to be in and sees that all the chairs are arranged in a circle. They’re all pushed against the walls of the honestly closet - sized room, all facing the centre. There’s nowhere to hide. He’s already regretting coming tonight. 

Scanning the room quickly Vanitas notices most of the chairs are already taken. Many of them are chatting amongst themselves but there are a couple who are sitting quietly on their phones. He notes one blonde girl is sitting with her legs curled up under herself seems to be drawing in a battered sketch book.  He hopes he’s not the only new person here.

Admitting defeat and not wanting to look crazy by turning and leaving after having already entered the room, Vanitas makes his way to an empty chair next to a man who seems to be listening to a red-haired man talking enthusiastically in the seat to his right. Vanitas glanced over to the man as he started waving his arms over his head. The man next to Vanitas laughed at whatever his flame - haired friend had said, before slapping his arm and shushing him. The red head just rolls his eyes, shifting forward in his seat, over his friend, causing the other man to start telling him to get off. The red-head waved his hand towards Vanitas, ignoring his friend.

“Hey, never seen you here before. Name ’ s Lea.” He smiles crookedly, jabbing a finger back at his friend. “Bluey there’s Isa.”

“Ah , Vanitas.”

“That’s a mouthful. Mind if I call you Van?” The tall man – _ Lea _ \- laughs as Vanitas  f rowns at him. No one's called him Van in years. Guess that’d happen when you push everyone who ever cared about you away like he had. No one around to give you nicknames. “Whatever.” He mutters, giving Lea a murderous glare.

Lea grinned, looking as if he wanted to say something,  _ probably some smart remark _ , Vanitas thought, judging by the expression on his face. But any more conversation that could have happened was cut off as a blue - haired woman entered the room before shutting the door behind her.

She walked over to the last empty chair, standing in front of it with an air of self-assurance. Clearing her throat to get the rooms ’  attention before she spoke, Vanitas froze. He knew her, they’d grown up together ,  and to say she wasn’t the biggest fan of him would be an understatement. He kept his head down as she continued to talk, praying she hadn’t seen him. He’d changed plenty since he knew her in high school, but she didn’t know that. She’d remember every terrible thing he’d spent years trying to separate from himself.

A feeling that could only be compared to a rod of ice smashed down his spine as he heard her announce they were going to go around the circle and introduce themselves.  _ Fuck _ , he didn’t know what to do, getting up would bring her attention right to him, but staying here like a sitting duck wasn’t any better. He tried to  stop  his feet from bouncing in panic, resting the palms of his hands on his knees, to keep his legs still. He kept his head down as he listened to the ghost from his past start to introduce herself.

“I’ll start us off ,  sh al l I?” She says, finally sitting on the seat. “I see we have a few new faces tonight, so let's each tell everyone our name and something we enjoy doing. I’m Aqua, the facilitator of this group. I enjoy spending time with my friends and any fun competition.” Vanitas could hear the smile in her voice as she mentioned her friends. He had to resist the urge to vomit. He knew who they were.

“Would you like to go next?” Aqua asked the quiet blonde sitting next to her. Vanitas peaked through his bangs to see her slowly nod.

“My name is N- Namine .” The girl stuttered, curling a lock of hair through her fingers. “I, um, I like to draw.” The girl almost whispers, looking up at the group  for  less than a second before  tucking  herself behind her knees. Aqua nods, smiling sweetly at Namine. 

Vanitas  continues  to quietly panic as he counts only four people between the blonde and his inevitable demise. Even if he wasn’t faced with this tsunami of a woman, he has no idea what to say. What  _ are _  his hobbies? Does sleeping count? He wonders, chastising himself for being so pathetic. What kind of adult doesn’t have hobbies? A shitty one, that’s who.

He was pulled out of the black hole in his own brain by the sound of Lea starting to talk. “-Axel. Got it  _ memorised _ ?” The red-head laughed, like it was some big joke, causing Isa to groan. “Okay, okay,” He chuckled, “Name ’ s Lea ,  and the thing I enjoy more than anything in this world is burning things down.” He turned a dazzlingly - bright smile onto Aqua as she glared at him.

“What did I tell you about this Lea?” She asked him, not braking eye contact with the giggling Lea.   
“Would you rather me say I REALLY enjoy having  _sex_?” He countered, which just made Aqua let out a sigh of defeat and Vanitas could see Isa go red from the corner of his eye. 

“ Hmh , well ,  very good.” Came Aqua’s voice over Lea ’ s laughter. “Will you please continue for us Isa?”

Lea quieted down slightly as Isa began to speak. Vanitas tried his best to pay attention to the words coming out of the man with the hair the colour of a perfect summer sky, but kept getting pulled back into the feeling that he was standing on the very edge of a deep, dark chasm. The worst, most  _ impos _ _ si _ _ ble _  outcomes swirled through his head. He should never have agreed to come here.

He was cursing Anna under his breath when he finally realised the room was quiet and a quick glance confirmed that everyone was looking at him expectantly. His blood turned to ice. How long had he been just sitting  there,  blankly gazing at the old carpet  on  the floor? He was such an  _ idiot _ , now every one  clearly thought he was insane. Too broken to even manage a simple sentence. _  Stupid idiot. _

He couldn’t bring himself to look up at the  too- many eyes that he knew were still trained on him. He knew he’d stayed silent for too long and the longer he sat  t here the harder it  would feel  to finally speak. He wished a sink - hole would open up under his chair and pull him down to Hell. Anything would be better than this. But by some small miracle he heard Lea start speaking again. “Heh, his name’s Vanitas. We talked a bit before you got here, Aqua.” 

This sudden act of seeming kindness was enough to get Vanitas to look up at the room fully. Golden eyes immediately meet with Aqua’s blue ones. He froze, unable to look away or say anything at all. Aqua’s face was a mask of shock, but it was gone in moments and she smiled over at Vanitas. “it’s very nice to see you again.” She said, never moving her gaze. Vanitas knew she was only acting nice because there were other people around them, there was no way she meant what she had said. Unless she saw it as some kind of gift from God to let her finally have the last laugh.

“Sure. Yeah.” He said quickly, finally braking eye contact to resume counting the fluff all over the floor. Maybe if it all collected itself into some kind of fuzzy monster it could ea t  Vanitas i n  one  gulp . That sounded pretty nice about now. Better than what Aqua was surly planning to do to him, he  assumed .

He couldn’t force himself to relax even when the other people started to introduce themselves. He allowed himself to wonder what Aqua and all the people who used to know him would think of the pathetic failure he had become. He even thought of Ven, someone he hadn’t let cross his mind in  _ years _ . Would he pity him? Just like what he used to show in his honest, blue eyes back when they were young? Or would it be that gut - w re n ching disappointment that had made Ven’s whole body shake with unshed tears when he had told Vanitas he just couldn’t  _ help him _  anymore if he wasn’t willing to  _ change _ . That he  _ scared _  him sometimes. The words that had caused Vanitas to leave, disappear from their lives and attempt to destroy his own.

He could hear Aqua talking to the room once again, something about coffee and not having many things planned for tonight because of the new people. Vanitas hoped this meant they could go, but the slight hope was quickly dashed when Aqua said they were all just going to sit and were welcome to do something quietly or talk to each other if they wished. Vanitas sighed despondently. He was so close to escape, but he tried to convince himself that he could do this, it was only an hour and if he played something on his phone, maybe everyone would leave him alone.


	2. Pushy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to PuppyGuppy for editing my horrid word garbage.

Lea had enough self- confidence  to admit he was a  _ really _  nosey bastard.  _ He just liked to know things _ , he often told himself,  _ he wasn’t prying _ . Right now, his interest had been  piqued  because it seemed that the new guy seemed to know their facilitator. He wanted to know  _ why _  and  _ how _ .

Since it seemed they were just going to be chatting amongst themselves for the time being, it was a perfect time to find out, Lea reasoned. But, coffee first. Leaning over slightly ,  he elbowed Isa in the ribs to get his attention. “ _ Oww _ , you  know  could just  _ talk _  if you wanted me.” Isa frowned, the twin scars between his eyes creasing as his eyebrows drew together.

Lea just shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that. Coffee?”

“I would love one, thank you.”

The red-head made no move to stand, just smiling wickedly at his friend. He batted his think eyelashes .

“Argh, you are  _ insufferable _  sometime s,  Lea.” Rolling his eyes, Isa let out an irritated sigh as he turned around to face Vanitas. “Hey, I’m being sent on a coffee quest. Would you like one?” Lea couldn’t see Isa’s face, but he notice d  the charcoal-haired man jump slightly before looking up and muttering quietly ,

“Yes. Milk, three sugars.”

“Okay, be right back.” 

Isa stood, straightening his long black shirt before he left the room and disappeared from sight. Lea didn’t move for another moment, making sure he was gone. Now was the perfect time to pounce. Leaning over onto Isa’s vacated chair, Lea watched Vanitas pretend to be busy on his phone. He was just flicking through his app menus, not opening anything.

“Hey.” Lea smiled as the other man gave him a leery side glance.

“ ... Hi?”

“What sent you here?” Lea asked, waving a hand vaguely at the room.

“How is that any of  _ your _  business?” 

“Never said it was. It’s just a question ,  man.” Lea gave a shrug, “just being friendly.”

“I don’t want your fake friendship.” Vanitas growled, turning back to his phone, obviously putting an end to any conversation Lea was trying to start.

Lea paused for a moment, not really sure how to continue. He was starting to wonder if finding out about this guy was really worth the  mauling  he was  apparently  sure to get. But ,  he was nothing if not persistent.

“Look, ask me something, I’m an open book.” Lea sat back up into his chair, trying to make some room between the two of them. Vanitas glanced at him without moving his head. “I’m serious. Anything,  _ no _  shame.” Lea grinned,  cat-like,  waggling his bright eyebrows jokingly.

Vanitas gave him a quizzical look, turning to  fully face  Lea again. “What _  the _  hell?” Vanitas eyed him wearily.

“You don’t want to talk about  _ you _ , right?” Vanitas gave a small nod. “So, let's talk about  _ me _ . I  _ love _ __ me!”

“We all know you love yourself Lea,” ca me  Isa’s voice from above them. “Now, take your drink before I cause a  tidal wave .”

Lea chuckled, grabbing the cup from Isa’s hand. “Low tide? Aww man.”

“Stop complaining, if you don’t like it, make one yourself.” 

Lea watched Isa slowly hand one of the other cups to Vanitas and wondered if he’d noticed Isa’s hands shook as he tried to keep the drink from spilling. “Thank you.” Vanitas nodded to Isa, giving him a smile. Lea huffed; Isa got a smile. Why not  _ Lea _ ? That didn’t seem at  _ all _  fair. But maybe because Isa was back  “ Mr .  Golden  - eyed  G rump ”  would be more willing to talk.

“We were talking about ourselves.” Lea told Isa as he sat back down on the empty chair between them. Isa gave him a look, quirking an eyebrow at his oldest friend. “Well, we were going to talk about  _ me _ .” Lea jabbed the thumb of his free hand towards his chest. “Because everyone knows how exciting I am.”

Isa shook his head lightly, laughing. He turned to Vanitas who was holding the coffee like a life line. “I hope he hasn’t talked your ear off. He isn’t good a t  shutting up. I’ve gotten pretty good at  tuning  him out.”

“Hey! That’s  _ rude _ .” Lea jabbed Isa’s shoulder. “I was just trying to make conversation ,  and he didn’t want to talk about himself.”

“Well ,  don’t let it be said  _ I _  got in your way.” Isa grinned and leaned back into his chair, taking a sip from his cup.

Lea cleared his throat, hoping to get Vanitas to look over at him. It didn’t work. “Vanitas!” He gave a smile of all teeth when Vanitas turned his head to glare at him. Lea wondered if he’d given himself whip-lash. Not Lea’s fault if he had. “Ask me something.”

Vanitas continued to silently glare at the red-head, Lea’s grin gr owing  as he waited. Finally, golden eyes flicked from Lea to Isa as Vanitas sighed. “Fine. I’ll ask what you asked. Why are  _ you _  here?”

Lea’s blue-green eyes sparkled; his smile seemed to know no bounds. He loved telling this story. He chose to ignore the dramatic sound that escaped Isa’s mouth. He just didn’t like fun.

“I got caught burning down that  old  mansion outside town.” He had been quite proud of it too, before the cops arrived. It had gone up so  _ beautifully _ .  God  he loved fire.

“ _ That was you _ ?”

“Yip. Would have been  _ so pretty _  if someone hadn’t seen the smoke and called the police.” Lea let out a sad sigh, letting his eyes fall down to look into his coffee. “Wasn’t my first, but it was the biggest. You should have seen it man. It was amazing! So bright you couldn’t look for too long, but so beautiful. Do you know how many colours are in a single flame? A lot, let me tell you. People never notice, they just want to destroy anything they can’t control. I can though, I know how it works.” Lea paused to breathe, knowing he was getting over excited. He just couldn’t help it. Fire was a part of his very soul.

“Oh.” Came Vanitas’ voice from beyond Isa. Lea waited for him to keep talking. When he didn’t, he turned to his friend. “Enough about me. Don't want to get kicked out if I pop a boner of embers... _ Again _ .” He tried to look innocent as he saw Vanitas’ eyes go wide for a second, before returning to normal. Lea chuckled.

Isa finished his coffee, placing the empty mug under his seat before starting to speak. “Alright. I’m not as exciting as Lea is though. No ‘ _ epi _ c’ story.” He made air quotes with his hands as he said ‘epic’. “I’m here because I have bipolar. That’s it. Boring really.”

“Na man!” Lea countered. “Tell him the time when you thought you were a  _ werewolf _ . I thought you’d finally  _ snapped _ man .”

If looks could kill ,  Lea was sure he’d be  six  foot under  right then . Isa glared daggers at the red-head, making direct eye contact as he spoke. “ _ That was not a good time for me _ . I wish you’d stop bringing it up.”

Lea sank away from the green eyes boring into his soul, waving a hand in surrender. “ _ Sorry _ , sorry. You know I always forget when I get carried away.”  _ I know I’m a shitty friend who always pushes boundaries _ , he didn’t say, but thought bitterly to himself. Sometimes he wished he had a better filter, or  _ you know _ , one at all.

It seemed that Lea’s social f aux - pas  had affectively ended the conversation and any hope of finding out more than the new guy ’ s name. Lea cursed his stupidity silently, grumbling to himself. While he was busy chastising himself, the other two had returned to sitting in a comfortable silence. Lea  _ hated _  silence, he’d been the one to create it though, so he should have to deal with it.

Tapping his nails on the now - cold cup of coffee in his hands, Lea let out a loud groan of annoyance, resting his head on the wall behind him. He  loathed  being this tall, the head rest of the seat seeming miles away from where he wanted it to be.

“Lea? Are you  _ quite _  alright?” All Lea’s dramatics had apparently gotten the attention o f  Aqua, as she was now giving him a worried look from across the room. Lea sat up so he could see her properly and noticed Vanitas tense up  i n his peripherals.

“Oh, yeah I’m  ‘ quite ’  alright. Was just time for my nightly dose of dramatics.” He smirked at Aqua as she shook her head.

“You’re a wild card Lea.” Aqua gave Lea a kind smile. Lea watch ed , curious, as her eyes drifted over to his right. She was looking at Vanitas with a look Lea couldn’t place. Confusion ,  maybe? But before anyone else noticed where she was glancing her eyes snapped back to the papers on her lap.

“That’s good for tonight guys.” She announced, standing. “You are welcome to stay here for another hour until I close everything. I hope to see you all again next week.” With a final smile she left the room, leaving everyone else to start collecting their things to leave.

Lea glanced over when he heard Vanitas stand from his seat and left. He must be related to a certain blue - blur with the speed he high - tailed it. Lea couldn’t help but laugh at himself. How people thought he wasn’t funny was beyond him.  _ He was hilarious _ !

“Should we head off?” Isa asked. Lea just shrugged.

“Well ,  I’m leaving and I’ll take the car. Have fun walking.”

“What! No, you are not! That’s my car , _ bitch _ .” Lea yelled, following after Isa.

It only took Lea a few steps with his long legs to catch up with Isa. He could hear Isa laughing quietly, Lea smacked him in the arm as he reached his side. “You’re a shit.”

Isa just continued to laugh, ignoring the comment, as they made their way to the car park.

“Hey is that that Vanitas guy?” Lea asked suddenly, pointing an arm in front of Isa, who was currently trying to dig the keys out of his back pocket.

“Hmm? Oh yeah, looks like it.” Isa answered, looking in the direction the red-head was pointing. “Looks like he’s waiting for a bus.”

“We should give him a lift.” Lea said, already starting over to the shadow.

“What if he doesn’t want a ride? He didn’t seem very friendly.” Isa pointed out, but Lea was already past the few cars still in the car park.

Lea didn’t know if Isa was following him, but he didn’t bother to turn around to check either. He knew he was being stupid,  especially since  he didn’t even like people much, but he was going to be friendly regardless. _  Be _ _ Sora _ , he thought, the brunette was _  way _  too friendly, he wouldn’t notice if Lea borrowed some of his friend magnetism for a minute. 

“Hello again.” Lea waved towards Vanitas. He hoped if he was obvious enough then the dark–haired man couldn’t ignore him. Lea couldn’t see Van’s face in the dark, but he reckoned he could safely assume the man was frowning at him. Lea gave a bright smile, looking down at the shadow that was Vanitas.

“What the  _ fuck _  do you want?” Vanitas demanded; Lea grinned. No one ever survived against his silence for long.

Lea scratched his head idly before answering. “Was  gonna  ask if you needed a ride home.”

“No . ”

“ Oh  come on. It’s cold and dark out. Do you enjoy busing with the late-night creeps?”

“I don’t even  _ know _  you and  _ I hate you _ .”

Lea laughed, “I get that a lot.” 

“I bet.”

“So ,  you want a ride?” Lea pointed over t o  where Isa was leaning against the car. “Don’t worry, Isa’s driving, so you’ll be safe.”

“You’re never going to drop this ,  are you?” 

“Nope.” Lea grinned, turning back towards the car, knowing he’d won.  He heard Vanitas make an audible hiss from behind him. Lea tried his best not to laugh, that in no way would help. “ _ Well _ , are you coming?”

There were a few shuffling sounds before Vanitas spoke. “Fine.  _ Whatever _ . Only because it’s  _ fucking _  cold.”

Lea mentally gave himself a high-five. Success! “Whatever you say man.” He waved a hand vaguely. “Let's go. Don’t want to keep Isa waiting.”

The drive was feeling rather tense. Lea didn’t enjoy silence and he hated the think air of this one. It was his job to fix it, he reasoned. “Hey Vanitas?” A grunt came from the back seat. “Give me your cell number.” Lea shifted around in his seat to grin at the black-haired man.

“Why?” Vanitas asked  suspiciously . 

“ _ So _  I can text you.” Lea handed his phone over before Vanitas could argue further. Vanitas rolled his eyes but entered his number before handing the phone back to Lea. 

The taller man immediately sent a text to the number. Partly to see if it was really Vanitas’ number, partly so he’d have Lea’s number too. 

A quiet beeping filled the car.  So  it was his real number, Lea thought, turning to face the right way again. “Now you’ve got my number too.”

“ _ Amazing _ .” Vanitas said sarcastically. 


	3. Old habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I've jinxed myself by writing this. Not two days after I posted the last chapter, my SW asked me the same question Anna asked Van. -.- Maybe I should make him win the lotto next.
> 
> I've edited the tags to reflect more of what's happening, self-harm warning for this chapter. Just the aftermath, but still worth a mention.  
> Also, warning for weird slag. I am not American™  
> If you recognise the black books quote have a high five!

_ ‘Little to no empathy’.  _ That’s what the phycologist had said. Vanitas thought it was bull. He had  _ plenty _  of empathy. He cared plenty, he was just selective about it. If the large, sprawling rat cage against the wall of his one room apartment had anything to say about it, he’d be  _ Mother Theresa _ . He’d spent  _ days _  renovating the huge parrot cage into a swanky rat condo for his  “ potato babies ” . Not that he’d ever call them that  in front of anyone  else.

It was the day after the hellish night that was the support group. Vanitas had already decided he was never going again, Anna be damned. He’d tried. There had been no promise to return. He sighed, running a hand over his face.  _ Why was it so important for him to be social? _  He just didn’t understand. Humans were stupid.

Standing up from the stained ,  old couch that created a make-shift ‘wall’ for his living room, Vanitas decided to see if the aforementioned potato boys were awake and wanted to explore.

“Chi-Chi, Blade, you alive in there?” Glancing around the cage Vanitas quickly spotted the lazy boys snuggled up together in one of the hammocks near the top.  _ Χ _  shot awake at the sound of his voice and was quick to uncurl himself and stand on his poor brother's face. Vanitas laughed as a small squabble ensued. Blade came out victorious a moment later, using his larger size to squash his brother. Vanitas clicked his tongue in amusement, unlatching the door and walking back to  the couch . They’d come out if they wanted too.

It didn’t take long for a very ungracious black blob to crawl down the cage and flop onto the carpet. Followed quickly by a smaller,  nimbler,  cream one. Vanitas lay on the couch, hanging his feet over the arm rest. He wasn’t planning a rat pedicure today, choosing instead to remove his ,  apparently super tempting ,  feet from the equation. 

Vanitas lay his head back onto the other arm rest, gazing up at the miscoloured ceiling. He didn’t have time to fall back into his own head though, as his boys dragged themselves onto the couch, bruxing loudly into his ear. Vanitas grinned. Those two truly were the only things that made him happy.

“You two are ridiculous.” He said, swatting them away from his ear. The two happily scampered onto his chest to wrestle. Vanitas watched them play, enjoying how they could keep his mind silent, just by being near him. The way they were so intelligent, yet so stupid, always able to find the joy in simple things was amazing to him. They didn’t care that he was a loser, or that he was unhinged. They only cared that he was  _ there _ .

Relaxing further into the couch, Vanitas continued to watch them run over him, laughing lightly when Blade tried to fit in-between the cushions of the couch, only to get his fat, cream - butt stuck, his tail flicking wildly in the air. Vanitas shook his head, helping the silly lump escape. He gave Blade a scratch behind the ear before placing him back onto the cushions with his brother.

Almost an hour later both the boys had conked out, curled against Vanitas’ side. The raven-haired man yawned, feeling as if he could fall asleep too. He shifted his weight slightly, being careful not to disturb  _ Χ _  or Blade. All of this was moot  though,  when a second later  h is text tone went off, causing Vanitas to jump and startle both rats.

Glancing over to the coffee table where his phone was, Vanitas raised a brow. No one  ever  text him. He only assumed that the sound was a text notification because it wasn’t his normal ring tone. He stood up, putting the boys back in their cage before going to check his cell.

He squinted at the screen for a second, confused. An unknown number had text him. After he unlocked the phone to check the message, he realised it must be Lea. He’d never bothered to save his number.

_ [Unknown Number]: Hey man! _

Vanitas wasn’t sure if he wanted to text back, or save the number. He hadn’t expected to ever hear from the red - head again, so he was curious to see what he wanted.

_ [You]: What do you want? _

B are ly ten seconds passed before he got a reply.

_ [Unknown Number]: Wow, put your hackles down. _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  You doing anything Friday? _

_ [You]: You planning on stalking me? _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  Wouldn’t tell you if I was.  _ _ Gotta _ _  keep some secrets. _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  But I’ll take that not answer as a no _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  We’re having a party at our place _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  You should come! _

Vanitas was quickly losing patience with Lea’s multiple texts. _  Just send it all as one _ , fuck!

_ [You]: No _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  Why? _

_ [You]: No _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  We’ll have free booze! _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  AND MUSIC! _

_ [You]: NO _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  You can crash here if that’s your problem _

Vanitas was just about ready to throw his phone across the room. Lea was idiotic. Maybe a reason would get him to stop texting him.

_ [You]: I have no way to get to your place. Even if I wanted to. _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ __ _ Oh _ _  is that all! _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  I can pick you up! _

_ FUCK! _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  I already know where you live _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  I can pick you up around five? _

_ [Unknown Number]: Unless you want to help us get stuff ready _

By this point Vanitas was grinding his teeth and giving the phone a death glare. He’d walked right into that one. He couldn’t deny that the idea of free drinks sounded good, but being basically trapped in some idiot's apartment didn’t. _  Ven would have loved to go with you _ , he thought ,  before stopping himself. It didn’t matter what Ven would do. He wasn’t here. _  He did always get so happy when he’d drag you out to drinks and parties with his friends.  _ Vanitas smiles despite himself. That ray of sunshine was always too good for him. 

_ [You]: Fine. _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  REALLY!!!?? _

_ [Unknown Number]: _ _  YAY!!! _

Vanitas didn’t bother to reply. The whole conversation with Lea and the intrusion of memories had put a damper on the day. Trying to shake it off, Vanitas walks over to the corner where his ‘bedroom’ was. Throwing himself onto the bed, he tried to clear his thoughts, but the memories of a time he missed  ( and how he had ruined it for himself ) , weren't so willing to leave.

_________________________________________________________________________________

_ “Van! VAN! Look!” The blonde yelled, pointing ahead of them, down the forest path. Vanitas couldn’t see anything and stated as much. “Yes, a tree. Very nice. You’d almost think we were in a forest or something.”  _ _ He put his hands into his pockets as he caught up to the small blonde. He laughed, noticing the pout directed at him. _

_ “No. LOOK! We made it!” He pointed again, before grabbing  _ _ Vanitas’ _ _  wrist and running to the clearing they’d been looking for, for over two hours.  _

_ Vanitas let himself be dragged along, enjoying the easy happiness of the other boy, more than their destination. He was glad Ven had forced him to go on this stupid adventure. The sun shining down into the field, hitting Ven’s hair, making him truly look like the angel Vanitas believed he was. _

_ Ven was pulling things out of his bag and putting them onto the blanket he’d already placed onto the grass. “Van! Come here, I’ve got sandwiches!” _

_ “Are you bribing me with food _ _ , _ __ _ Ventus _ _?” _

_ “What? No! I just thought, you know, you might be hungry.”  _ _ Ventus _ _  got flustered so easily and _ _  always missed his  _ _ sarcasm. Vanitas loved it. _

_ “It’s a joke _ _ , _ _  Ven.” He said, stealing the sandwich out of Ven’s hand, ignoring the one on a plate that was clearly for him. _

_ “Oh...Hey!” Ven yelled, trying to grab the sandwich back. Vanitas held it over his head, grinning manically. Ven didn’t think twice as he climbed into Vanitas’ lap, reaching up to get his lunch back. Vanitas lent back, keeping it just out of reach. They repeated their actions a few times before Vanitas lost his balance and fell onto his back in the grass. _

_ Quickly he shoved half the sandwich into his mouth, grinning up at Ven. “Mone.” He muttered around the bread.  _

_ Ven huffed, folding his arms and sat up on Van’s chest. “That was mine.” _

_ “Do you want it back?” Van asked, pausing his chewing to push some of the bread to the front of his mouth. _

_ “ _ _ Eww _ _! You’re  _ _ so  _ _ gross _ _ , _ _  Van!” Ven swatted him in the side, “I’ll just eat the other one.” _

_ Van smiled, the bread in his cheeks making him look like a happy chipmunk. Ven laughed, bending down to give Van’s chest a tight squeeze before rolling off to eat the abandoned bread. _

_ Van didn’t move for  _ _ a while _ _. Instead choosing to watch the clouds and try to keep the warm feeling of Ven hugging him from fading. _

_ They’d stayed there for hours, only leaving when the sun had started to dip behind the horizon. They hadn’t done anything exciting, just enjoyed being in each other's company. Van hadn’t wanted it to end. He barely noticed the sun setting, feeling as if the only sun he’d ever need was right there with him.  _

_________________________________________________________________________________

Vanitas gazed up at the ceiling above his bed, smiling slightly. It faded from his face quickly, turning into much more of a sneer. See ,  Aqua had apparently opened the flood gates of memories Vanitas had tried his best to ignore. They hurt too much. Remembering what he’d had,  and  what was so willingly given. Even if he knew he’d never deserved it. He knew he was part of the shadows, only able to destroy any light that came into his life. 

Smiling bitterly, Vanitas swung himself off the bed, determined not to dwell on the past. He could never have what he’d once had, this wasn’t a fairy-tale after all. Making his way to the row of cabinets and whiteware that was a sorry excuse for a real kitchen, Vanitas tried to distract himself by staring blankly into his almost empty fridge, in a vague attempt to find something of worth.

After looking into the barren waste - land of his fridge for way to o  long, Vanitas decided it probably wasn’t the best way to spend his time, or power bill for that matter. He knew he needed a distraction though. The freshly  stirred  guilt and self-hatred was eating away at him. He knew what would make it leave, it was all still in the bottom draw of that bedside table. But he’d managed  _ so long _  without the need for the pain ;  the flashes of red that turned a deep crimson the deeper you got.

Vanitas shook his head to try and  dismiss  the thoughts. Sighing, he sat on the edge of the mattress, looking over to the old wooden draws.

It was going to be a long night.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Friday morning  crept up  to o  slowly ,  albeit  too _  fast _  for Lea’s liking. He loved having friends over, but it also meant he’d have to be up before noon. Running a hand through his hair and wincing as his fingers caught in the stray knots, Lea rolled onto his front and looked around for his phone. Floor? Nope. Bedside table? Nada. Under pillow? Lea reached his arm under the pillow blindly. Doesn’t seem to be. Admitting defeat, he dropped his head back onto his pillow. “Shiiiiiiiit.” he mumbled into the soft fabric. He’d left his phone in the lounge last night.

Fifteen minutes and many improper words later, Lea made it to the door of his room. He hadn’t put pants on, but no one was expecting that much from  _ him _ . Swinging the door open, Lea dramatically lent his forehead onto the frame. “Isa, what time is it?” He groaned at the splitting wood in his face.

“Hmm?  Oh, u h, half ten.” Isa was sitting comfortably on the couch, cradling a warm cup of coffee.

"Half ten ? _ Half ten _ !! I've never been up at half ten!... What happens?!" Lea yelled, louder th a n  necessary,  honestly ; then,  sniffing the air like a dog, Lea’s eyes fell on the cup between Isa’s fingers. “Is that coffee!?”

“Yes, Lea, it is. Kitchen.” Isa pointed a perfectly manicured finger towards the open kitchen door. Lea huffed at his friend, but made his way to the kitchen to make himself a big- ol ' cup of  _ awake juice _ . He knew better than to antagonize Isa in the morning.

Flipping the jug on to boil, Lea starts wandering what he should get for everyone tonight to drink. Xion didn’t drink, so a couple bottles of  fizz ie  was a must. Something to mix it with for everyone else would make Lea’s job easier. He grabbed a cup for himself, spooning in some coffee and sugar, as the jug finished. He added some milk before mixing it all and taking a large gulp. It was still quite hot, but the caffeine ran deliciously through Lea’s body, making it easy to ignore the heat.

He took  in  a few more mouthfuls of the molten liquid before casually making his way back out to the lounge. Plopping down onto the empty seat across from the couch Isa was on, Lea finished his coffee, stretching his arms above his head until his back made a satisfying _  ‘pop’.  _ He was starting to feel more alive. A shower and some pants should finish the job of ra ising  him from the dead for today.

One warm shower and some clean clothes later, Lea was ready to start his day. There wasn’t much to do but get the drinks for tonight, but he was going to get that on the way to pick up Van. There was nothing else to do, which seemed like as good an excuse as any, to harass his favourite sour blueberry. 

He found Isa sitting  still  in the lounge , but  in a different chair , and  reading. He’d gotten dressed, and judging by his damp hair, had showered as well. Lea leant over the back of the seat, exaggeratedly sniffing Isa’s hair. “Oh  _ baby _ . You smell so ... _ good _ .” He whispered into the seated man's ear, trying to sound seductive. Isa didn’t answer the red-head, just closed the book in his lap, but Lea caught the slight twitch of his lips as Isa tried not to smile.

_ A challenge. _

“My sweet, untouchable princess! Why must you shun me so!?” Lea wailed,  theatrically  flopping his arms over Isa’s shoulders. He lay over his friend for a moment, starting his  antics  up again  only  seconds later. “Isa, the world is  _ changed _  because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite  _ history _ .” Lea watched Isa’s face closely, waiting, knowing the emerald-eyed man couldn’t resist a good Wilde quote.

“I can resist anything except temptation.” Isa finally said,  smiling, but  not looking up at Lea.

“Ah, but the only way to get rid of temptation is to ... _ yield to it _ .” Lea answered, grinning down at Isa.

“You like that quote too much.”

“It’s good. Maybe it should be my life motto?”

“Oh, dear God. If it wasn’t  _ already _ , I fear for the safety of everyone if you made it your motto.” Isa looked up at Lea, causing the forest to meet the sea in their eyes. Lea laughed, making Isa crack a smile.

“You look like a bat.” Lea said, as a matter of fact.

“What?” Isa asked, looking around slightly. “Oh. Upside down. Got it.”

“You’re a  _ cute _  bat though. Don’t worry.”

“ Ah, thanks? I think.” He said, ra ising  a single blue brow. “But more importantly. What’s the plan for tonight? Do we have drinks? Food? Who’s eve n  coming?”

Lea laughed at the barrage of questions, walking over to the couch to sit. “Pizza for food, easy. I need to buy drinks, but I’m doing that later.” He paused, scratching his chin. “Ah,  _ people _  wise. ..? Roxas  and Xion ,  obviously. Sora, so that means Riku as well. I think  Kairi  said she would try. ?  Oh! And Demyx and  Ienzo .”

“Just the usual then.”

Lea gave a sheepish smile, knowing he had to tell Isa he’d invited Van. “You know th at  guy from group?” 

“Yes ... ?” Isa said , suspicious of  where this was going.

“Well, he gave me his number and  I  messaged him about the party. I’m going to pick him up after I get booze.”

Isa narrowed his eyes, making Lea flinch. The red-head squirmed in his seat, trying to guess what Isa was thinking. Finally, the silence was broken.

“Oh, hope he’s nicer the second time.”

_ Phew! _

“Yeah, like a good whiskey.”

_________________________________________________________________________________

Vanitas didn’t realise it was Friday until it was almost three o’clock. He’d forgotten about the stupid party and there was no way he’d admit he didn’t want to go now.  _ Weak _ . No, he was going, but he needed to clean up first.

Rolling onto his side, Vanitas looked over the edge of his bed. He let out an exasperated groan when he saw the mess on the carpet. The dark brown of half dried blood had soaked into the coarse fibres. It was going to be a bitch to clean, he knew. The bed sheets were covered as well, but that wasn’t of much concern.

Vanitas sat up, trying to remember the night before, but he was still light headed; which was to be expected. He knew what he’d done last night, but it was being over-shadowed by the relief the glint of the blade had brought. He’d been doing this long enough to know he hadn’t gone too far, just by a glance. He’d learnt his lesson the first time he’d had to get stitches. These new ones were deep, but would be fine. He needed a shower, but didn’t really want one. It’d only slow the healing. However, he was going out tonight, and he didn’t think anyone would like it if flaky blood fell out of his sleeves. 

By ten-to-five, Vanitas was clean and dressed and starting to panic. He hadn’t  _ ‘hung out’ _  with anyone in years. He didn’t even  _ know _  these people.  _ What was wrong with him? _  He sat on the steps of his building, chain-smoking. He could smoke in his apartment, but never did because of the rats. Their little lungs didn’t deserve his second-hand smoke.

Finishing his current smoke, Vanitas was quick to grab a fresh one, lighting it. He’d resigned himself to waiting for Lea outside. No real point traipsing back up all the stairs to his door, when he’d have to just come back down again. The early evening outside wasn’t too bad, though. Clouds had covered the sun, making everything turn a sad grey. But the warmth of the day still hung in the air, the smell of grass still heated up from the afternoon filled Vanitas’ nose. Even  _ he _  had to admit it was nice.

Vanitas heard a car pull into the empty spot in front of the building and glanced up. He immediately spotted Lea’s distinctive red-hair through the window.  _ Here we go _ , he thought, rising from the stone steps to approach the waiting car. 

Lea gave him an excited wave, before leaning over to unlock the passenger side door. Vanitas didn’t speak as he slid into the rusty car, closing the door with a  _ worrying _  rattle. He raised an eyebrow at the sound but kept quiet.

“mind if I smoke?” He asked, breaking the silence as Lea pulled back into the street.

“If you pay the troll toil.” The red-head answered, swearing under his breath as a car stopped suddenly in front of him, turning into a driveway. “ _ Bloody hell! _  Nearly  _ mulched _  that car. But yeah. Only if you pay.”

Vanitas almost felt the whiplash from that sudden topic flip. This guy was mental. Whatever, just go with it for now. “...Pay? What are you talking about?”

“ _ Pay _  the  _ troll  _ to smoke in the car.” Lea kept his eyes on the road, trying for a neutral expression. Failing  miserably .

“I see...” Vanitas scowled, unsure where this was going, if anywhere.

“ _ Me _ . The troll. You must pay the car troll one smoke in order to light-up in here.”

Vanitas rolled his eyes but handed over the smoke to Lea, grabbing one for himself as he did so. Lea wound down the windows as the ebony-haired man lit the cigarette he had, handing the lighter off to Lea once he was happy it wouldn’t go out. Lea grinned.  _ The child was sharing,  _ _ progress! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are always better ways to deal with things than Van did. I'm one to talk, but it's never a good road to go down. Talk to someone.

**Author's Note:**

> If you read the whole thing, thank you! <3 I bet you're amazing.
> 
> Anna is heavily based on my own support worker and to say I dislike her would be a HUGE understatement. So please don't expect them to ever get on.


End file.
